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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  July 3, 2012 9:30am-10:00am PDT

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>> june 20, 2012. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york. this is dale dale with jon stewart. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a program for you tonight. we're going to have a visit from our good friend and noted author steve carell. (cheers and applause) but first, breaking news. it is so (bleep)ing hot today. (laughter) i don't have a followup to that. (laughter) breaking news concerning the ongoing investigation into the administration's fast and furious program which from 2009
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to 2011 sold american guns to mexican drug lords so that the drug lords... could... shoot... people? or perhaps accidentally themselves? the white house was on a high after cash for clunkers and this program might have just gotten away from them, i don't know. (laughter) the house oversight committee has been investigating the debacle but attorney general eric holder has refused to turn over some 80,000 documents that chairman darrell issa has demanded siting as grounds that they need the papers to gift wrap other weapons for an exciting new prison program christmas guns for convicts. (laughter) you know, i'm sure there's a lot of bull (bleep) partisan type investigations that go on on capitol hill, many of them designed to merely tie up or damage the administration, but here's the thing: the a.t.f. did send a bunch of guns to mexican drug gangs.
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one of those guns was used to kill a u.s. border agent. so you know if holder didn't turn over the documents this was coming. >> the committee meets today to consider reporting a resolution to the house of representatives finding the attorney general eric holder, jr., in contempt of congress. >> jon: ow. that's got to sting. congress holding something else in contempt. (laughter) it's like when you give a dog a banana and they go "i don't eat that." and you're like "you lick your balls but a banana is beneath you?" (laughter) seriously, why won't dogs eat bananas? is that just my dog? it won't eat bananas. do your dogs eat bananas? yeah, dogs hate (bleep)ing bananas. what are we talking about? (laughter) back to the attorney general and the program where they sold guns to mexican drug lords. i guess they're going to have to turn those documents over. unless... >> president obama has entered
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the fray and asserted executive privilege over the documents that have been requested by congressman issa. >> president bush asserted six executive privileges. president clinton exerted 14. and this is president obama's first executive privilege. >> jon: oh, the first invoking of the executive privilege. a hallowed rite of passage. like a presidency's bar mitzvah. (laughter) mazel tov, mr. president. today you are an administration. (laughter) but, of course, our main story tonight, president obama, who is attending the g-20 summit in mexico where he's been meeting with world leaders and perhaps checking whether drug lord gun sales are hitting their quotas. (laughter) all right. russian president vladimir putin is there as well. perhaps we can lean on putin to stop selling his weapons to syrian war lords because selling weapons to violent foreign... oh, (bleep). (laughter)
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anyway, executive privilege! it's obviously a very tense and complicated diplomatic issue. >> talk about the big chill. let's see this. this is body language between president obama and russian president vladimir putin. (laughter) >> jon: really? body language? we can really try and divine the status of international policy negotiation it is same way mystery on the pickup artist lets nerds know if girls are into them? are we doing that? >> the two men barely looked at each other. >> they did not sit very close together. >> they were not making eye contact. >> you didn't see any smiles. >> they could not have been more far apart physically. >> putin appeared to lean away. >> media reports describe their demeanor as "chilly" like a cold moscow winter. (laughter). >> jon: obama looked nervous and vladimir drank only water. is this couple on the outs or are they expecting a baby?
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(laughter). (cheers and applause) look, i know it's a fun game to play to interpret gestures but i wouldn't read too much into the chilly nature of the meeting. this is putin we're talking about. have you ever seen putin not look icy? (laughter) this is him two months ago at his inauguration! (laughter) that's a great day for putin. this is him two weeks later at his surprise birthday party. (laughter) this is putin playing with kittens. (laughter) this is him personally ordering the death of a reporter. same face! this is vladimir putin full of child like wonder at the first snow of winter. (laughter) first snow of winter which, in russia, i believe, comes a week after the last snow of the previous winter. so the peres has spent hours dissecting the body language. probably just about time for... >> are we making too much of a big deal? >> jon: there you go. (laughter)
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the 1213 hand wringer from rockefeller plaza. that's your lamestream liberal media for you. wall-to-wall coverage of something that they're not sure if it really matters. that's why you can see the genius of fox news, they know this is enormously important. >> vladimir putin looks at our leaders and he sees weakness. >> at one point the president's cheek was twitching. >> as though that might have been a telltale sign of stress. >> president obama who still thinks, gee, if i'm nice to him we'll get something out of it. >> this is putin who thinks in strategic terms speaking to somebody he considers and adolescent. >> sort of reminiscent of the kruschev/kennedy summit which encouraged kruschev to put missiles in cuba. >> jon: (laughs) holy (bleep). (laughter) the liberal media's all "they're leaning away from each other, what does it mean? i don't know what it means." skwrobgs jumps in "he's a weak child who is bringing america towards a nuclear holocaust!"
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the only thing missing: the last creative cue degras to tie this incident up into a bow, to contrast this debacle at a time when america was at its greatest using random juxtaposition. >> completely opposite of president reagan during the world war. president reagan was very clear from the outset in his deals with the russians. you may remember this chestnut. >> mr. gorbachev, tear down that wall. (cheers and applause) (laughter) >> jon: that, my friends, is how it's done. that's how you take a few seconds of obama video, turn it into a rich soup of decontextualized imagery designed to bypass the frontal cortex and go straight to the amygdalas of old people. (laughter) triggering cascades of dopamine and giving them all a giant reagan boner. (laughter) that's why they'
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(cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back! you know, there's been a lot of talk recently about bullying and the people who have it coming. (laughter) but the struggles of one group
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of bullying targets has not been recognized: presidential candidates. both have had campaign rallies marred by a variety of hecklers. >> you need somebody... (shouting) >> it was not... it's my turn to speak, you've had your turn. hold on my friend. >> we are... (shouting) (boos) >> mitt romney, you're a racist! mitt romney, you're a racist! mitt romney, you're a racist! mitt romney, you're a racist! mitt romney, you're... (cheers and applause). >> jon: sorry, that was... sorry about that. that last one, that wasn't a heckler, that's my new car alarm. (laughter) there's a lot i love about that last clip. how it only slowly dawns on romney what that person is
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saying but more than that it never dawns on giuliani. (laughter) he just sit there is! look at that! (laughter and applause) freaky joker... it's like the guy feeds off hate like it's red bull and vitamins. like, i know emotions are running high, but this is no way for a mature democracy to conduct an election for its highest office. surely the campaigns will take supporters will take steps to stop supporters from heckling. >> obama advisor david axelrod went on twitter to ask obama supporters to stop heckling romney and "let both candidates speak to voters can desite." >> really, twitter. yes, a call for civility and respect should be on the internet. i'm sure that will be responded to by "ballsdeep 34" and
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"dr. suckit." (laughter) i think i'm pronouncing that name right. (laughter) but at least the democrats have extended the olive branch. republicans, is there anything you would like to say? >> you heard your people... you urged your people to stop doing it to the obama people? >> i can assure you that we do not believe in unilateral disarmament. (audience reacts). >> jon: president obama, governor romney, meet me at camera three. that's what... not you! (laughter) not you! you stay here! (applause) listen, romney and obama-- and i use this term inaccurately, friends-- let's face it, hecklers are here to stay and it's up to you to learn how to respond. luckily doing standup for a bit of a while i'm something of an expert on the subject.
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watch and learn. >> late sunday in a joint appearance with house speaker john baner in troy, ohio, protesters came close to drowning out the candidate. shouting "go home, romney." >> jon: "go home, romney." now this is an easy one. go home? which home? the one in belmont? (laughter) the one in park city? the one i (bleep) your mom in? boom! (cheers and applause) boom! down goes heckler! now, of course, sometimes you've got to deal with hecklers one on one. >> it is the right thing to do. >> (shouting) >> excuse me, sir, it's not time for questions, sir. >> (shouting) >> not while i'm speaking. >> jon: right there. "sir"? "sir"? you don't address a heckler as sir tp-ls it's the beginning of "sir douche a lot." sir tiny (bleep) of the nut sack
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kingdom. if you're looking for a different sal you station instead of sir try (bleep) (bleep) wad. dr. (bleep) wad. taint sweatington. i realize your surrogates are also getting the business. look what happened to david axelrod. (shouting) >> you can't handle the truth pheurbg friends. >> jon: first of all, they weren't heckling you with "tell me truth" but that's lame. if you're going to go with nicholson smackdown, go with carnal knowledge, my brother. >> you ball busting kas trading son of a (bleep). you can't handle the truth? that's not even the best putdown from "a few good men." >> i'm going to rip the eyes out of your head and piss in your dead skull! (laughter and applause). >> jon: if you want to go nicholson you could find better stuff in, i don't know, every jack movie ever made. >> do you like to be interrupted when you were dancing around in
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your little garden? i'm not going to hurt you. i'm just going to bash your brains in! i am the (bleep)ing patrol! son of a bitch. you jerk off. s inasty little bitch. (bleep), (bleep). (bleep), (bleep). i said over easy! shut up! you (bleep)ed with the wrong marine! (cheers and applause). >> jon: yeah! i would go for that guy, awesome! we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight, a very, very funny actor, also-- which i didn't realize-- an author. his new book is called "the last peril, egypt's transition from the mubarak era." please welcome back to the program steve carell. steve? (cheers and applause) >> thanks so much. thanks for doing this, by the way. >> jon: no, i appreciate it. let me hold it up. i do not know, it's called "the last peril, egypt's transition from the mubarak era." >> do you know how long mubarak's been in power? >> audience member: 30 years!
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>> jon: 30 years. >> that is in there. (laughter). >> jon: so this look boo security council how long... >> well, i felt it was a discussion that needed to be had. >> jon: you write very movingly about tahrir square. >> you pronounced that perfectly, by the way. >> jon: thank you, thank you. >> i tried to invest part of myself. i try to invest part of myself in everything i write. incidentally, i've... this is not the only thing that i have... >> jon: you have other novels, fiction? >> i've... well, i've been gone for a while so i've had some time on my hands. can i show you... >> jon: i'd be delighted to see another of your work. >> i have another one right here. this one, get a shot of that? >> jon: sure, yeah. (laughter) the "n" word, language's last taboo. i didn't know you were a cultural observer in that way. >> well, you never allowed me to be while i was here.
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(laughter) and i try to be... you know, i have... >> jon: you're a complex individual. >> here's the thing. this is a very, very sensitive topic. >> jon: absolutely. >> i felt i was the one... i felt compelled to be the one to bring it to the forefront. (laughter) to embrace it. and tavis was nice enough... >> jon: staph vision smiley, he wrote the intro? >> tavis smiley wrote the introduction. >> jon: just out of curiosity. is that your hand? are you in black hand for this book? because that's... (laughter). >> now, see, that's the problem. >> jon: oh, okay. that's an insensitivity? >> that's the ugly problem i am trying to face. i have another book that i wrote. >> jon: oh, sure, i didn't realize you had... >> which is sort of along the lines of what we're talking about. (laughter) >> jon: just out of curiosity, maybe i'm wrong here, this actually says "by anonymous" not... is this...
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(laughter). so we don't know who... >> we don't know. >> jon: you're very prolific. how can... because these are three pretty big books. how quickly to you write these? >> you know what? i want to look at this because i'm not even sure how many page this is turned out to be. including the index 277. >> jon: 277. that's fast. >> i wrote another book. (laughter). >> jon: when did you write this book? >> i wrote this book today. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> jon: amazing. see how... look at how hot it is. (laughter) now that is the suit you are wearing today but with a different tie. that's amazing. and you just completed that this morning? this is... oh, my gosh, this is 270 pages. you're incredible. you are incredible. >> i like to write a lot of books. (laughter). >> jon: it's... >> i'd like to talk about some of the other books that i've been reading. and writing. >> jon: what else do you have? >> i've written a book... i believe we have it somewhere...
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>> jon: it's an audio book? >> it's an audio book. >> jon: let me take a look at that. "50 shades of yams." uh-huh. (laughter) >> now, remember, jon, remember i used to do... i used to do a segment on the show called produce with steve carell. >> jon: it was our most popular segment. >> i am making a lot of money off of that. >> jon: using this book. is there going to be a film "50 shades of yams" or... >> i'm thinking about it. >> jon: how did you get ian mckel lann to read that? >> wouldn't you like to know? (laughter). >> jon: yeah. i mean, that's... >> jon, i wrote another book. >> jon: oh, okay. sure. >> i think we have this one, too. (laughter) if you can see it, it's... (laughter). well, i guess that's fairly self-explanatory. it's a book... it's how i
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imagine steve jobs would have written my biography. (laughter) >> jon: i guess that's an e-book. >> well done. (laughter) >> jon: well, see, i mean, i have to tell you i'm very... you're right. maybe i didn't perhaps nurture that enough when you were here and i apologize for that. >> no, no, no. you were very nurturing, you were lovely. you were lovely, lovely man. >> jon: it looked like you had written a book about that i hit you. >> that's by anonymous. >> jon: that's not you. >> not necessarily. >> jon: is there anything in the steve jobs/steve carell book that i should know about that comes up that's damaging to me? >> so you didn't read these books? >> jon: i didn't read them all. >> i sent these books to you and i thought you were the type of person who did their home work before the show. caught ya! that's a gotcha moment! (cheers and applause) >> jon: i'll tell you what i
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did do. the reason that i wasn't able to read your books today was because i spent the day in the theater. a movie theater. watching what i thought was a brilliant gift to the american people and the world. it was a film starring a young man who looked a lot like you. >> i know where you're going with this. >> jon: don't do this. >> stop it! >> jon: it's called "seeking a friend for tend of the world." i'd like to show a brief clip if i can. >> i still dabble. i dabble. if you want to. i don't know. >> jon: let me show you a brief clip. >> where do i see the monitor? which one do i look at? >> it comes up right through here. >> so... >> what are you doing with the rest of your life? >> oh, um, a little of this, little of that. probably catching up on some me time. find god. maybe move around some chairs. >> well, maybe i'll run into you at a support group or orgy or
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something. >> that sounds nice. >> jon: nicely done. well, so nice to see you. "seeking a friend for the end of the world" in theaters on friday. if the books don't work out i think you should pursue the acting thing because i see something there. >> you're very kind to me. >> jon: oh, stop it. >> you're very good. >> jon: steve carell, ladies and gentlemen.
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> jon: (cheers and applause) that's our show for tomorrow night at 11:00.